I hate how I'm feeling right now.

My moods are all over the place and I'm biting my tongue to keep from spilling out everything that I'm feeling.  There is so much that I want to say and so much that I can't say.  *hate*  I just want... never mind, it's stupid.  So stupid!  I'm so pathetic!  I'm so tired, no one knows even the half of what's going on with me.  I don't really know some days.  I want to...

I think I'm just beginning to shut down.  It's been such a fucked up year.  It's been even a more fucked up day.  I talk less and less, when all I want to do is scream to be noticed. 

"Oh, how we've shouted, how we've screamed, 'Take notice!  Take interest!  Take me with you!'  But all our fears fall on deaf ears tonight." -Dashboard Confessional

The stress is really starting to get to me.  I'm tired of looking around me and wondering what the fuck is going on.  Seriously, what am I doing with my life... what do I want to do with my life.  Why do I keep surrounding myself with people who abuse me or misuse me?   I don't understand.  What the hell...

"Things aren't right with me. I'm not safe here, you see.  Weird stuff happens. Like you, for instance. Just appearing. Or last week. Never mind. People are like planets, you need a thick skin. He stays away, and now look, my dreams are talking back to me. The price of rootlessness, motion sickness. I feel that something's going to give. Maybe the troubles will come and the end will come. The sky will collapse and there'll be terrible rain... and showers of poison light.... or maybe my life is really fine... maybe he loves me and I'm only crazy thinking otherwise. Or maybe not. Maybe it's even worse than I know.  Maybe I want to know, maybe I don't." -Harper Pitt, 'Angels In America' (slightly revised)

I've been sick, really sick since March.  I cough and I'm weak and tired.  I put on a happy face for everyone though.  Gods, I'm sick of doing that.  The doctors don't know what's wrong with me and I can't rant to anyone because I don't want to burden them.  I'm tired of being so sick and I'm tired of being a punching bag for other people's frustrations.  I'm tired of wondering what's going to happen next... is it going to get even worse?  Someone, please... someone listen.  Listen before I forget how to speak altogether.  

Fuck it, I hate it when I whine.   But, damn... where the fuck do I stand?  What do I matter... to anyone?   Three things have made me happy this year.  And I can't even speak to give them credit.  Damn it all.  Damn me. 

I'm afraid to really let myself love anyone anymore.  I live with a man who tends to push me into walls and shake me.  Two of my exes are insane... one thinks he'll be the saviour of the world and the other is a pedophile.  My last ex really loved me, I think, but I believe he's gotten to the same place I'm getting to.  Life is a big ball of suck so... just fuck it.    I really care about someone currently... love him even, but even though I've said so... I don't think I'm going to try very hard.  I'm too fucked up and I love him too much to subject him to too much of it.   I think about him a lot though.  He makes me smile.  Not very many people do that.  So yeah, I love him.  Not a crush.  No putting him on a pedestal.  I can see that he's a very real person and people should not be displayed like statues.  I'm scared to death though.  Scared that I'm just too big of a freak to be worthy even to be called someone's friend.  Scared that this sickness will never get better.  Who wants to love a woman who might be on borrowed time?  Who wants to love someone who is broken?  Maybe that's part of what drove Raven away.   He saw me have one of my really bad seizures when I was visiting him.  It scared him.  I can't blame him if it scared him away.  I miss him though.  The way he broods and his laugh and how he smells like myrrh and cayenne pepper.  I miss even the sad wistfulness in his eyes when it ended.  He cried when my bus pulled away to take me back here.  *screams*

I'm not sure if my heart can take anymore of this.  Please, if anyone reads this... please tell me it's worth going on.  Please tell me, something... anything. 

Rune